Well, sometimes I have no idea why things happen the way they do. I know I was surrounded by prayer, so I must accept that God's will was done. Right? But why and how and now what? As you read yesterday I was to have a scope and probable total knee replacement. Up at 4AM, drove through horrible fog to get to the hospital 45 miles away by 5:30 AM. Stuck and dug 3 times by lab to get more blood samples, started an IV, etc. Into surgery at 7AM. Woke up in the recovery room and was told nope you didn't have a total knee. I went back to sleep, woke up again and asked, did I really not get a new knee? Nope, you didn't get a new knee. I was home by 1PM. I never saw the surgeon before or after, but he told my family that yes I have arthritis and yes I need a new knee, but he decided to wait and do it another time when it is worse and try just fixing the cartilage and meniscus this time instead. I wasn't given an ice pack or crutches, just a can of Sprite, a piece of toast and a pain pill and sent home and told to see him in a week. I'm not to get my incisions wet for a week and to keep it elevated as much as possible and do my exercises and take pain pills. That is all. I am so confused. If it needs replaced, then why didn't he do it? Why am I in worse pain now than I was before I had the surgery? When will he do the other one? What will he do to it? Why did I go through 3 weeks of pre-op preparation and all the hassles; 2 trips to the medical doctor, 1 to the dentist, 1 to the eye doctor, 1 to the orthopedics doc, 3 hours prep at the hospital and have to come up with a living will and power of attorney and all the blood tests and ekg and xrays and so on for nothing and so I can just hurt worse than before? I am so discouraged and depressed and frustrated. But yet I am not the one in control. I know that and I accept that. I have to accept that.
Right now in Bible study we are doing a study by John Ortberg from his book, "When the Game Is Over, It All Goes Back in the Box". Our chapter this past week was that we are not the Master of the Board. He is. He is in control. I know He is. But it is so very hard to not try to be in control. I want answers. I want to know the plans ahead of time. I want to see the game rules. I like to take care of others. I don't like to be the one needing taken care of. I don't like feeling helpless. It hurts to get in and out of bed. It hurts to go to the bathroom. Please pray for me to quit hurting so much. Please pray for healing. Please pray that I will give up and give in and let Him be the master of the board, even if I don't understand. Thanks.
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